Can't believe I did it!

Its 1:32pm and no breakfast yet. I woke up around 10:30am something, cleaned up room now it looks decent again, and worked out for a hour and broke a slight sweat at the end. 30 minutes into my work out my roommate called me...no I didn't leave I yelled out WHAT!!! when he calls me it tends to be for sad or unimportant reasons. I learned that and just yell out or call his cell and be like whats wrong? Like two days ago he had the nerve to text me have I seen his Mexican refried beans? I was like no way will I pay for something he ate and forgot he did. I texted him back no, and I had my own beans, black beans so nope sorry. He texted me back saying never mind found it. I just thought what ever. I find it funny how when he speaks of my future somehow am still here a year later in his apartment like were going to be together for a long time....HELL NO!

Anyway 30 minutes into my work out and not leaving the flow of things. He yells out I never seen this before you didn't eat yet are you on diet? I learned something am ok with sharing with friends, but not with him. One slip up or when I told him about me fasting and he found out I ate fruit and cottage cheese and other stuff later he shook his head and I felt bad and thought wait a minute am a roommate and am paying and thats all that matters.  I yelled back no and that am busy and thanks for asking and continued my workout. He proved himself not worthy of sharing any ofmy goals because he will go on about it for days.

Thats why I was highly upset with a friend *Ty* who showed a picture of me eating pancakes. Throught out the whole day and for five days he would randomly ask did you eat pancakes today again? Making jokes about it because he lacks a life. He also wants to meet all my friends. I got so annoyed and told him to make his own friends and stop trying to live through me! He wants to see how a club is, but with me and some of my friends I thought that was FUNNY! I would never go out to eat with him because he will watch what I order, he would get lost anyway going there, and he may think am paying. Nope.

But I forced it, I did it! I wanted to quit so many times during the workout because a hour is too long.
I pushed through and now got a hour left later :(

Time for breakfast.

My knees were in pain during and now after and way before, but they feel worse. I have to do better or I will no longer be able to move and do my job well.

I love chocolate so I got the powder creamy chocolate and the other power one is chocolate royal!
says pick two shakes a day, am picking three.


Can't wait for weigh in tomorrow.

This is terrible! 281.8 meaning am really 282 :(

Its 11:28am.

I going to work on my room quickly! work out and then have my slim fast shake for breakfast. Sad never got to my cleaning of my room, but no breakfast until its clean and a hour of exrecise is complete. No more excuses and before bed I will work out as well. two hours total daily. If my weight slows down that means a extra hour needs to be added. I am laying here typing and want to play my sims 3 game, but then my room will be messy still and no exercise will be done because its not going to work out later trying to finish a two hour work out before bed thats over doing it! 281 pounds....this is so sad deep down I want to give up and eat what ever I have a long ways to go, but with that thinking I would never reach my goal. My aim is to be 200 pounds very soon.

What am going to do tomorrow.........

I brought two slim fast powder mix, cheaper that way then buying it canned plus you get more servings. I even brought a shaker, again cheaper then buying a whole mixer or blender plus you can take it with you.

I will work out a hour in the morning and a hour at night...yes forcing it.
three shakes a day and nothing else, but green tea or any other herbel tea and water.

I have to do something or am going to die!
Stress will come and yes my life is hard.
Oh and my light bill is 75...thats a lot when you have zero coming in!
Bill due on the 24th.

Meaning my roommate will have to pay it himself and once I get my first check then I can give him what I owe...this all sucks badly and won't go well.

But life goes on.


so three slim fast shakes plus two hours of exercise. Not counting me going on slow pace walks thats everyday anyway.

Bet am bigger by tomorrow I so don't want to weigh!

But I have to breath, everything will be ok.......right?

Worries and stress make me eat.

I worked at a horrible nursing home...still an employee,but went PRN so I could have time t o apply for jobs. I worked 11am to 7pm. I also ride the bus...don't know how to drive. So I would wake up get ready and by the time am done with work riding the bus anywhere else to apply for jobs was pointless, the hiring manager would always be gone for the day, then I would be stranded outside because the buses no longer ran back to my place. If i tried to apply somwhere in the morning I would always be at work 30-60 minutes late making me trapped in that hell hole. That place had the worst treatment towards me and others. Nurses thought they were better, stuff was going on daily....everyday had to stick up for myself EVERYDAY. No such thing was a good day, so with the money I was saving up to pay off my school so I can return again and for driving lessons and a car...............I went prn meaning on call. I was ok, everyday was job search day, everyday I worried, everyday I faked a smile asking to apply for a job, everyday I got worst with worry, and everyday was a binge fest. I would go home limping, feeling helpless, I limp from all the standing and my weight and trying to lift very heavy old people. I limp today from all the walking and carrying stuff. My mom was nice again to send me some money 100.00 dollars that put my mind at ease somewhat since being out of work.  Wed. I have a ten per hour job as a cna, my former job only paid 9.25 for all that hard work and labor.

But am worried I was suppose to go last wed, but they cancelled, due to state coming in...meaning no upcoming check anytime soon and when I do get one it will have to be put aside to pay my roommate for next month.
He called me 20 minutes ago to ask me do I want to see the air bill? See I hate this part of him so much. Its cold for me now 60 degrees, but before that it was 20 or 40 degrees outside and in his apartment. I would be shaking like mad because he would simply go under his covers to stay warm, I did that and was still shaking.He told me I would get use to it....I put the air on! He said he would not pay over 40 dollars since his bill was always 33 dollars before I came because he would never put the air on ever. I once left it off out of anger and woke up with a horrible headache from the cold. No money coming in, I am very lucky to have found work because I would never want to step foot at that nursing hell home. It was mainly the people who ran it. And no raises in 5 years!!!

My worries are of money.
Saving.
My education.
I mean a lot of things and some other stuff that plays in the back of mind. I can be having a decent day on the outside, but my mind is filled of dark thoughts of failure one slip up and am back to Florida.

My roommate I can tell he likes me or either just wants sex.
He drops hints here and there. He wants me to lose weight too....his worst mistake.
I mean I was confused hearing this anorexic guy share his story on youtube (sadly he did die later on) he said people would tell him how good he looked back then and to gain weight. To me gainning would be so easy and I was like he is a attention seeker nothing more. He even said when people tell him this it only makes him not eat...doesn't make it any better makes him feel even worse about himself so he continued to starve.
Thats how my roommate makes me feel at times, other times its funny. He jokes a lot about my weight and I told him he is too thin! He is 5'9 and 119-125 pounds. I got on him and in a nutshell let him know how his life sucks, no girlfriend, no friends, no going out, and he works at a church and wishes he could go back to Africa. Other times I brush it off, other times I listen because some things he say is true.

He triggers me only to eat more and makes me feel worse, just like the anorexic man.
I don't mind talking about my weight, but its really a trigger and I eat mindless without thought.

I have a lot to worry about. A lot. SO many things to make up my mind about too.
Also would...he be mines...or wishful thinking? were friends so far, but could it be more? Oh and NO WAY not my roommate! He thinks if you hit your chest against the wall it may cause breasts cancer. He would cause a uproar if he said that to the public as if all those people got breasts cancer from banging up against walls.  He is far from my type....very. He is a good guy, but um...I never wanted to date a guy I felt smarter then. I want one smarter then me and have me think. sometimes my roommate does have me think wtf....but thats not what I had in mind.


But once things get better my weight won't be a struggle. I have to keep on trying for now and I will return to fasting. But at this stage right now where the thought of bills and failing and losing it all....not a good idea right now.

I feel like am dying......

I been failed the fast about three days ago. After that I been binging like crazy. Eating clearly over 3000 calories daily. Never hungry just eating...eating, eating. I weighed today at 280 and wasn't shocked at all. Just was like.....took deep breath and got in the shower and was like here we go. My knees felt weak always, but today much weaker that it took a lot just to go up the bus stairs and down and that was so painful, couldn't take the stairs because my knees hurt and my ankleswere screaming for mercy just to sit down!  All through out the day my left arm from shoulder down felt oddly numb and tired and weak. My body all day was breaking down. I had to force myself just to type this! I am like....when I start my new job wed. how will I make it? All day I said in my mind am dying...over and over and I felt so afraid that my body would just give out and they would find my body on the streets from a stroke or heart attack. All day my money went towards food. I struggled along walking and trying to go up two steps on the bus.

Breakfast: Banana, ramen noodles. two slices of pizza,  two large cups of juice



Lunch: Mc doanlds meal number 11. The angus mushroom witha large fry and three refills of orange soda

Dinner: Marshmellow peeps, two cups of juice, four chocolate cookies

Am not hungry.....but I want more. I am very out of control and I am lost. I can't help my desire for food its so strong. Today I was nervous I ate....after everything was cool, I ate. I feel as if am slowly killing myself without a care.

Now am slowly getting up...going for mash potatoes and ribs....someone help me :(

Day 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today am 277 pounds!

Its 10:08am exactly Texas time. I weighed three times to double check the scale. Part of me is somewhat happy, but not too impressed. I been in my 70's for a long time now. My highest weight was 311, so I made it my goal never to get that high up. Problem is being in my 70's for almosta year.....so yes am not that happy. I will feel hopeful in my 60's, and pretty excited in my 50's and in heaven in my 40's! Again...am not hungry. I use to say am hungry back then and noticed a long time ago that its rare am hungry. I just crave something to eat likely sweet or salty foods. One of my friends called last night *Ty* and I saw my cell phone ringing.....I couldn't answer it because I had to lay down. I was fine, but food was on my mind and nothing else. Another friend called....forgot who lol. I couldn't answer because if I talked and stayed up late and food is already on my mind...I would of failed! Thats what happened twice on two other failed fasts.

If I can hang on in there how much will I weigh tomorrow?

Maybe a....269 or 268?

Its 1:50pm into the water fast:

I want to eat so bad right now. Am I hungry? To be honest no. I just feel like eating and am craving Mexican food or I can go for some mc Donalds and my favorite the Agus burger mushroom. Its sooo very good with all the ketup and stuff. Going to make a few phone calls, have it on speaker, clean this room and stop puting it off and work out as planned. I didn't drink any water and may start drinking some tomorrow. I would of had two sodas by now, and I feel a very slight headache coming on. Its amazing how much time you have on you when you skip out on eating.

Continues fast....