I worked at a horrible nursing home...still an employee,but went PRN so I could have time t o apply for jobs. I worked 11am to 7pm. I also ride the bus...don't know how to drive. So I would wake up get ready and by the time am done with work riding the bus anywhere else to apply for jobs was pointless, the hiring manager would always be gone for the day, then I would be stranded outside because the buses no longer ran back to my place. If i tried to apply somwhere in the morning I would always be at work 30-60 minutes late making me trapped in that hell hole. That place had the worst treatment towards me and others. Nurses thought they were better, stuff was going on daily....everyday had to stick up for myself EVERYDAY. No such thing was a good day, so with the money I was saving up to pay off my school so I can return again and for driving lessons and a car...............I went prn meaning on call. I was ok, everyday was job search day, everyday I worried, everyday I faked a smile asking to apply for a job, everyday I got worst with worry, and everyday was a binge fest. I would go home limping, feeling helpless, I limp from all the standing and my weight and trying to lift very heavy old people. I limp today from all the walking and carrying stuff. My mom was nice again to send me some money 100.00 dollars that put my mind at ease somewhat since being out of work. Wed. I have a ten per hour job as a cna, my former job only paid 9.25 for all that hard work and labor.
But am worried I was suppose to go last wed, but they cancelled, due to state coming in...meaning no upcoming check anytime soon and when I do get one it will have to be put aside to pay my roommate for next month.
He called me 20 minutes ago to ask me do I want to see the air bill? See I hate this part of him so much. Its cold for me now 60 degrees, but before that it was 20 or 40 degrees outside and in his apartment. I would be shaking like mad because he would simply go under his covers to stay warm, I did that and was still shaking.He told me I would get use to it....I put the air on! He said he would not pay over 40 dollars since his bill was always 33 dollars before I came because he would never put the air on ever. I once left it off out of anger and woke up with a horrible headache from the cold. No money coming in, I am very lucky to have found work because I would never want to step foot at that nursing hell home. It was mainly the people who ran it. And no raises in 5 years!!!
My worries are of money.
Saving.
My education.
I mean a lot of things and some other stuff that plays in the back of mind. I can be having a decent day on the outside, but my mind is filled of dark thoughts of failure one slip up and am back to Florida.
My roommate I can tell he likes me or either just wants sex.
He drops hints here and there. He wants me to lose weight too....his worst mistake.
I mean I was confused hearing this anorexic guy share his story on youtube (sadly he did die later on) he said people would tell him how good he looked back then and to gain weight. To me gainning would be so easy and I was like he is a attention seeker nothing more. He even said when people tell him this it only makes him not eat...doesn't make it any better makes him feel even worse about himself so he continued to starve.
Thats how my roommate makes me feel at times, other times its funny. He jokes a lot about my weight and I told him he is too thin! He is 5'9 and 119-125 pounds. I got on him and in a nutshell let him know how his life sucks, no girlfriend, no friends, no going out, and he works at a church and wishes he could go back to Africa. Other times I brush it off, other times I listen because some things he say is true.
He triggers me only to eat more and makes me feel worse, just like the anorexic man.
I don't mind talking about my weight, but its really a trigger and I eat mindless without thought.
I have a lot to worry about. A lot. SO many things to make up my mind about too.
Also would...he be mines...or wishful thinking? were friends so far, but could it be more? Oh and NO WAY not my roommate! He thinks if you hit your chest against the wall it may cause breasts cancer. He would cause a uproar if he said that to the public as if all those people got breasts cancer from banging up against walls. He is far from my type....very. He is a good guy, but um...I never wanted to date a guy I felt smarter then. I want one smarter then me and have me think. sometimes my roommate does have me think wtf....but thats not what I had in mind.
But once things get better my weight won't be a struggle. I have to keep on trying for now and I will return to fasting. But at this stage right now where the thought of bills and failing and losing it all....not a good idea right now.
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